Thailand. Few words.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. This was a big crazy trip. I saw lots, did lots, learned lots and experienced lots. I found all new highs of emotion, deeper and sadder lows. Ate food I will never have again, driven places I’ll never drive again. I’ll admit it wasn’t enough. The trip could have done with a whole lot more. Anyways, I know these are usually pretty text heavy and I can’t this time. So just enjoy the Photos.

 

Yeah, Alright. Screw it. So Thailand. There’s a few salty undertones here, expected I know. Sadly I didn’t have any say in the itinerary of this part of the trip. Things were already planned for me. Now that’s really not how I like to do things. Daniella and Sven were getting engaged though! So I just had to fasten my belt and let them guide us through what they wanted the trip to be. I had to just do my things in the spare time when we weren’t all together and off on some touristy excursion, although some of the more popular attractions were worth it.

Landing in Bangkok, Connecting to Krabi. Then to the Islands, Koh Samui, Koh Phangan and Koh Tao. All gorgeous, all amazing all beautiful. The class division is boldly apparent through Thailand and it wrenched my heart every time I saw it. I don’t know what to do. The amazing thing is, everyone was still happy. Just happy. Where’s the difference here between a life of almost nothing yet full of happiness and a life of everything back in Canada surrounded with sadness? I haven’t had any luck answering this yet. Looking back on this I’m realizing more and more that you have the power in your life to live it exactly how you want to. That’s been lost on me for a while now. We finished up 5 days in Bangkok and back to Germany.

So yeah, I guess I don’t have much to say. I just don’t want to get into it. It’s going to fade off into the past now. I want to go back. The Auto Salon, Motorcycles, Food, Culture and immersion in this whole new world was so beautiful. It was just in different company than I had expected. Next time, I’m going alone or with a few close friends. It’s going to be better.

It’s been 9 Months.

I promised to return, to rewrite, to share, enjoy the story and bring it to life. It’s been 9 months since my last entry. I am not sorry, but I do regret that entries have been so sparse. A certain feeling of peace always follows once published. There just hasn’t been any reason to say anything at all. I’ve been in pain.

Loss.

The word Loss means many different things to many different people. We all have our separate realities. We live our lives so vastly different in every little way. Loss to one is nothing to another. Something minor is to major. You know what I mean.

I’ve lost my Mother. My dream job. The Woman I wished to spend my entire life with. My confidence. My Sanity. My self worth. My satisfaction. Everything that ever made me tick has left, vanished, been taken away. I did nothing wrong. I did my best. I was always as kind and caring as I could be in the moment. We all make mistakes, we all do things we regret. These 9 months I’ve tried so hard to do everything right. It did not make a difference.

There was nothing I could do in order to change the outcome. It’s not my fault, but it’s ruined me.

I write this in Cut-off Jeans. They were from Value Village in Niagara falls. We drove 3900Km’s in just under 2 days to get there. A shirt from Snap-On, given as a gift when buying a toolbox I never thought I’d be worthy of owning. Underwear From Germany, a country I never thought I’d visit and yet I never want to go back again. Music is playing through Headphones from Calgary, where I had and lost the most amazing job. The Cell Phone playing the music, belonged to my Mother. I’ll never delete the pictures she took. They’re backed up twice.

I’m not sure the significance, the point, the reason behind anything. Or why I’m even taking the time to tell anyone of anything.

The only thing that makes any sense to me right now, is Hope. Just have Hope. Keep going. Keep Hoping. It’s bound to work eventually.

Just keep going. Keep fucking going.

I’m 25 today. It’s my Birthday. This time next year, I hope I’m doing better.

 

I’m already feeling better. Thanks.