I promised to return, to rewrite, to share, enjoy the story and bring it to life. It’s been 9 months since my last entry. I am not sorry, but I do regret that entries have been so sparse. A certain feeling of peace always follows once published. There just hasn’t been any reason to say anything at all. I’ve been in pain.
The word Loss means many different things to many different people. We all have our separate realities. We live our lives so vastly different in every little way. Loss to one is nothing to another. Something minor is to major. You know what I mean.
I’ve lost my Mother. My dream job. The Woman I wished to spend my entire life with. My confidence. My Sanity. My self worth. My satisfaction. Everything that ever made me tick has left, vanished, been taken away. I did nothing wrong. I did my best. I was always as kind and caring as I could be in the moment. We all make mistakes, we all do things we regret. These 9 months I’ve tried so hard to do everything right. It did not make a difference.
There was nothing I could do in order to change the outcome. It’s not my fault, but it’s ruined me.
I write this in Cut-off Jeans. They were from Value Village in Niagara falls. We drove 3900Km’s in just under 2 days to get there. A shirt from Snap-On, given as a gift when buying a toolbox I never thought I’d be worthy of owning. Underwear From Germany, a country I never thought I’d visit and yet I never want to go back again. Music is playing through Headphones from Calgary, where I had and lost the most amazing job. The Cell Phone playing the music, belonged to my Mother. I’ll never delete the pictures she took. They’re backed up twice.
I’m not sure the significance, the point, the reason behind anything. Or why I’m even taking the time to tell anyone of anything.
The only thing that makes any sense to me right now, is Hope. Just have Hope. Keep going. Keep Hoping. It’s bound to work eventually.
Just keep going. Keep fucking going.
I’m 25 today. It’s my Birthday. This time next year, I hope I’m doing better.
I’m already feeling better. Thanks.